It feels like yesterday. I was sitting on my friend’s bedroom floor, helping her pack for her US trip, when I suddenly stopped. What was that about blue semen and a flaky penis?
Turns out I was listening to Book 2, Chapter 15 – a.k.a Jim’s Secret. The book: Belinda Blinked. The podcast: My Dad Wrote a Porno.
Up until that point, I hadn’t been much of a podcast fan. My Dad Wrote a Porno changed all that, and as it turned out, I was rather late to the party. The podcast already had a global following, with the likes of superfans Elijah Wood and Michael Sheen contributing to the weekly Footnotes.
I became a dedicated Belinker (superfans of the podcast). So dedicated, I was probably the only person on the 2018 New York Marathon course whose running playlist comprised enough MDWAP chapters to take me through the trip to the start line on Staten Island, along the 42.2km course, and the last bit of walking to the Columbus Circle subway station.
So, what is it about?
My Dad Wrote a Porno is a weekly British podcast that, er, comes out on a Monday (a.k.a. #pornoday), with Jamie Morton reading a new chapter from the amateur erotic novel, while his friends James Cooper and Alice Levine provide running commentary, much hilarity, and the occasional anatomy lesson.
It follows the misadventures and sexual exploits of Belinda Blumenthal, whose work as the new International Sales Director of Steeles Pots and Pans takes her around the world meeting a variety of sales reps, business associates and suppliers (including Jim Sterling and his flaky peen). As the books progress, Flintstone throws in clever twists, industrial espionage and an arch villain. Such fun!
Since launching back in 2015, the podcast has amassed a global following, had an HBO comedy special in 2019 and will continue their sell-out World Tour in 2022.
The kicker: Belinda Blinked is written by Morton’s dad, a retired builder who goes under the pen name Rocky Flintstone. He shared some of the initial chapters with son Jamie, who was so horrified by what he had read that he shared it with his best friends, which sparked the idea to turn it into a podcast.
The worst best erotic fiction ever written
But Belinda Blinked isn’t your ordinary erotic fiction. It is a badly – albeit enthusiastically – written series of erotic novels that have asperations of doubling as business manuals. Rocky has zero respect for grammatical rules or literary best practices… or the basic knowledge of the female anatomy for that matter. You will even find a key character getting a random, temporary name change at some point.
When you settle down to listen to the first few chapters you’ll find yourself focusing on the terrible writing and hilarious running commentary. And to be perfectly honest, in the beginning there is no real reason to listen other than to laugh with Jamie, Jamie and Alice. Then you find yourself coming back for more, because surely it can’t get more ridiculous, more funny, more cringe-worthy, right? (It can, and it will.)
However, by the time you get to the third or fourth series, you are so fully invested in the crazy characters, plot twists, and cliff-hangers (or clit-hangers as they are known here) that you will keep coming back for more.
And therein is the genius of Rocky Flintstone. Sure, you laugh at him in the beginning. Sure, the books are absolutely ridiculous. Sure, the writing is atrocious. But, through Flintstone’s son and his friends, Belinda Blinked has become a welcome respite from a world gone mad. And behind the bad grammar and dubious punctuation is a story expertly and intricately woven together – something you will only realise much, much later.
Hilarious quotes for your consideration
- “Her tits hung freely, like pomegranates.”
- “‘Absolutely,’ Peter replied, ‘In fact, this afternoon weβve just ordered 3000 units of your Oxy Brillo range to get you started, and my purchasing team are looking at other products of yours which will fit into our present range of kitchen utensils.’ ‘Wow!’ Belinda gasped and opened her legs slightly.”
- βBelinda bent over and pulled the plastic handcuffs over the Duchesses ankles. The Duchess stood up and stretched her cramped body. Her nipples hardened with her feeling and they were now as large as the three inch rivets which had held the hull of the fateful Titanic together.β
- “A small spiral staircase led up to a cramped area above the first class passenger section β¦ Hazel headed immediately to B3, and went inside. To their surprise the whole area was a large bed, nothing else, but it was big enough for three peopleβ¦ B3. ‘Does B3 mean Bonking capacity for three people?’ ‘Exactly’, replied Hazel, ‘Do you think us air crew are stupid?'”
- “In fact, everyone here today is going home with a non-stick tin wok. If you look under your seats.”
But… it’s porn!
Yes… but also, no. It is so cringeworthy, laugh-out-loud ridiculous and unrealistic that people have written to the trio to tell them how listening to MDWAP as a couple has helped them be less fearful and embarrassed of sex. It has sparked dialogue on various topics, including women taking ownership of their bodies and experiences.
If nothing else, it helps us laugh again. And by the old gods and the new – we need more laughter these days.
