Reader’s warning: Unless you want your eye poked out like Amemond’s, I suggest you avert your gaze from this review now.
Superfans, it’s the Greens vs the Blacks this week on HBO’s House of the Dragon and things are getting BLOODY!
Recap:
It’s a been a few months since Laena gave herself over to Vhagar’s dragonfire and all of our cast are gathered to lay her to rest at sea at Driftmark. Her seriously salty pastor uncle Vaemond (Wil Johnson) delivers a eulogy that throws heavy shade at the legitimacy of Rhaenyra (Emma D’Arcy) and Laenor (John Macmillan)’s children. Daemon (Matt Smith)’s inappropriate snorting speaks volumes.
Tensions are running high at the after tears event on Driftmark as Alicent (Olivia Cooke) keeps a beady eye on our star crossed lovers with Rhaenyra and Daemon eyef*** each other across the balcony; Viserys (Paddy Considine) gets irritated by Aegon (Ty Tennant) getting steadily drunk, Aemond (Leo Ashton)) tries to convince Aegon that marrying the delicate Helaena (Evie Allen) won’t be so bad and Laenor is literally trying to drown his sorrows by wading into the sea after his sister.
Whilst Otto Hightower (Rhys Ifans), newly reinstated as Hand of the King, beats up a drunk Aegon, Rhaenyra and her hot uncle/crush Daemon take a romantic stroll on the beach. She reminds him she isn’t a child anymore and that she is well aware that her marriage is a farce. When she kisses him, Daemon finally takes her in his arms and into his bed. Well, a beach hut anyway, and our dragons make the beast with two backs, to paraphrase dear William Shakespeare.
While their parents are getting their freak on, all hell is breaking loose in the castle. Daemon’s daughters Baela (Shani Smethurst) and Rhaena (Eva Ossei-Gerning) are rightfully absolutely LIVID that Aemond, that little shit, has laid claim to their mother’s dragon Vhagar when she’s barely sunk to the bottom of the sea. Jace (Leo Hart) and Luke ( Harvey Sadler) come to their cousins’ defence when Aemond starts beating the girls and declaring the boys to be bastards.
I don’t usually support child on child violence but that f***ing jerk Aemond deserved it. Luke takes out Aemond’s eye and this is when the real Dance of the Dragons begins! Utter chaos erupts in Corlys (Steve Toussaint)’s throne room as King Viserys tries to get to the bottom of what happened between his son and grandsons.
When he denies his wife Alicent’s request for an eye for an eye, our spiteful Queen Bitch commands her sworn knight Criston Cole (Fabien Frankel) to take Luke’s eye. Are you kidding me, woman? You are the Queen Consort, not the Queen Regent. Viserys’s decree will always trump yours! The audacity of your nerve! Know your damn place.
If Cole thought he was going to get to Luke between wanna-be stepdaddy Daemon and legal grandpa Corlys, who is determined that Luke WILL be his Driftmark heir, then he has another thought coming. In the end, it’s Alicent who draws blood first when she cuts Rhaenyra with Aegon the Conqueror’s catspaw blade and reveals her vile, petty jealousy for all of the court to see. How this woman is still breathing after laying hands and drawing the blood of the Heir, I will never know.
The next day, Rhaenyra and Daemon concoct a scheme to rid themselves of Laenor so that they are free to marry in traditional Valyrian custom. Alicent finally makes her greasy father proud and Rhaenys (Eve Best) appeals to Corlys to make Laena’s children his heirs as they truly bear his blood. To no avail, though – the man wants his name to matter and for better or for worse, Rhaenyra’s sons bear his name.
Rhaenys and Corlys are bereaved all over again when they find what they assume to be their son’s burnt body in the Driftmark throne room. After a really sexy look at that Valyrian wedding between Rhaenyra and Daemon, attended by all of their children, we see that Laenor, in fact, is alive and well and gets his own fairytale ending by escaping to Pentosh with his lover.
What a great episode!
Impressions:
Once again, the night was dark and full of terrors. Yep, folks, not only did Miguel Sapochnik direct episode 7 as his last one in Season 1 but he repeated his The Long Night mistake: making it too f***ing dark to see ANYTHING!
HBO tried to cover their arses with this statement:
“We appreciate you reaching out about a night scene in House of the Dragon: Episode 7 appearing dark on your screen. The dimmed lighting of this scene was an intentional creative decision.”
From the promo photos released before the series began, we KNOW those beach shots of Rhaenyra and Daemon were filmed in broad f***ing daylight. Creative decisions, my dragon loving ass. We have been waiting seven damn episodes to see hot Targaryen incest and all we got were barely legible shots of Smith’s fine butt. Ugh.
And to not give Vhagar her rightful closeups as Aemond first mounts her is disrespectful!
HBO, I beg of you, take the showrunners in hand and lay down the damn lighting law. We cannot go on like this.
Cooke’s Alicent is officially on my Arya list. I love to hate her. And if someone feeds Criston Cole to Caraxes, I will not be shedding any tears. Larys Clubfoot Strong (Matthew Needham) is SO oily, stalkery and creepy that I cannot deal. Ugh.
I am rather sad that this is the last episode we see all of the Targaryen and Velaryon child actors since they will be aged up from the next episode. Sadler as Luke was particularly cute and I was ready to go full Mad Mother of Dragons on Alicent and Criston to protect him.
For all of its shortcomings on colour correction, this episode really moved the plot forward and laid our rivals’ intentions bare to the naked eye. Keep it coming!
Theory:
Please, the Gods, let Viserys die in the next episode so that we can FINALLY get some really brother vs sister fighting action. I want Rhaenyra to take back her Iron Throne, supported by her ever-loving, sexy uncle-husband Daemon and let their blended family rule King’s Landing like the badasses they are. If Aegon and Aemond don’t get their entitled royal asses beat just once, I am going to send a Faceless Man after them.
House of the Dragon airs on HBO Max every Sunday and at 3am on DStv Express and 9pm on M-Net Channel 101 on Mondays.
